The Lovable Creatures of Redwall vs The US Navy
by dummyface
Summary: The peaceful creatures of Mossflower are paid a visit, for the first time, by the navy of the United States of America. All hell ensues.


**The Woeful Tale of the Fall of Mossflower**

**Ashton Gilstrap**

The badger lord, Ashwood Seastripe, surveyed the enemy from beneath the slope of his visored helmet. The sun glinted off the weapons of the ships of the enemies. More curiously to Ashwood, however, the sun also glinted off of their ships. He discussed this with Colonel Piddingsworth, his lead hare, but Piddingsworth was unable to give a satisfactory answer. The only thing the two could definitely agree on was the fact that the ships, all five of them, were made of pure metal. A hare ran up.

"The runners are back, sir," the hare, named Tivingston breathlessly reported to Ashwood.

"What word from the beach? What type of vermin be these beasts?" Ashwood demanded.

"Well, er, sir... We aren't quite sure. They appear to walk on two legs, but they have hair only on top of their head. Their robes are tight fitting, with tunics and pantaloons of the same color. They carry pieces of wood with metal tubes on them, we have no idea what for, but they wield them as if they are a weapon. A primitive sling perhaps." Doubt settled on the brow of the badger lord.

"Well, is it true that the ships are made of metal?"

"Yes sir... Can you imagine? How does anybeast know how to build a ship made purely of metal? Does metal not sink?" A grave look clouded Ashwood's face.

"We do not know. What I do know is that we have the largest Long Patrol in the history of Salamandastron, consisting of over 8,000 hares, which quadruples the highest number beforehand. What we will do is march down to the beach and give them a show of force. Launch a catapult, a single catapult at their ship as we approach to let them know that we mean business."

"Aye aye, sir!" Tivingston saluted smartly, and ran off to carry her tasks.

The badger lord turned back to the window and again peered upon the enemy. He, too, could now see the strange beasts running to and fro on the shiny decks of their metal ships. Ashwood felt the bloodwrath already running through his veins, already pushing him to want to run down there and attack. His concern for his large army of fighting hares overrode that desire for now, but he and his army knew that it eventually would overtake him, and he would go berserk. Piddingsworth returned to Ashwood's side.

"All troops are ready, sir. They are waiting at the gate for your command to march." Piddingsworth reported.

"Excellent. Did you leave two behind to fire the warning shot?"

"Yes, your lordship. Two of our greatest marksmen have been stationed. They were ordered to fire when you give the signal."

"Perfect. Everything is in place then, yes?" Ashwood asked.

"Yes, sir. If I had my way, we'd go ahead and get to marchin'."

"Very well. ALL TROOPS, FORWARD!'

The very ground shook as nearly 8000 hares took to the beach on their long paws. They were in perfect column formation, 50 wide and 160 deep. Ashwood lead, raising his enormous, metal studded mace to the sky as he led his troops on to, what he thought, would be glorious victory. The beasts on the boat began to scurry about on their decks, and turned the sides of their vessels towards the beach, running parallel to the shore. Ashwood took this as a sign of weakness, as if the vermin on board were going to lower a white flag down the side of the ship.

"Company, HALT!" Eight thousand hares stomped down, and an enormous cloud of dust and sand went into the air. When it cleared, Ashwood was seen standing in the shallows.

"Why have you come to disturb our peaceful mountain? Why have you chosen to attack where we have done naught to you? Answer me, for I am Ashwood Seastripe, son of Nikolai Shadowstripe, and I rule this land!"

In a strangely amplified voice, the intruders responded,

"We come for nothing other than to claim this land. You are but a badger, you have no say in the will of mankind. We rule this earth. It is amazing that we have not found you until today. Believe me, by this time next week, the entire island will be under our control. I feel ridiculous talking to a badger, but this is the way it is."

Quivering with rage, Ashwood said,

"Very well. Here is a show of only a fraction of our strength! You shall not take this island until every last one of us lies dead in the ground!" At that, he dropped his paw, and the catapult launched its payload.

The enormous rock flew through the air, turning end over end, before it smashed into the side of the boat. Chunks of dust and rock flew everywhere, and it was a second before it all cleared. When it did dissipate, however there was only a small ding in the side of the ship. Ashwood's eyes grew wide.

At that instant, an enormous voice shouted,

"FIRE!"

Ashwood heard thunder like he had never heard before, issuing straight from the boat, and plumes of fire shot from the enormous metal tubes on the decks of the boats like a volcano. Instantly, eight hundred hares were decimated. Explosions of fire and metal rocked the beach. Tivingston attempted to launch her sling at the enemy, but her paw was stayed when a fifty millimeter shell tore the entire top half of her body off. Captain Rhubarb, notorious for his appetite, was eliminated forever from the great tables of Salamandastron when an explosive shell detonated on the beach right next to him, blowing half of his face away and leaving him screaming on the sand. Private Shillings was attempting to run back to the mountain, frightened to death by this first, terrifying battle, when a napalm charge detonated next to him, and his fur and skin were burned off at temperatures hot enough to melt lead.

Colonel Piddingsworth had never experienced defeat so quickly. He raised his horn to his lips to sound a retreat, but was silenced forever when a bunker buster detonated three inches away from his left paw, blowing him into thirty two small, cooked chunks of meat that fell on top of what remained of his soldiers. The entire front tenth of the column was eliminated in three seconds. In the time that followed, Ashwood lost all bloodwrath from his system, and ran full-tilt boogey back to the mountain. When the last hare came stumbling in, Ashwood sealed the door.

Thirty minutes later, Captain Pinkertingons, now Colonel Pinkertingons with the flash-cooking of Piddingsworth, reported:

"The count of the dead and missing is 1100. We have another 300 in here with serious burn wounds. We can still take the fight to them with our remaining numbers. The troops are scared, sir, but they think that pride may be our enemy's weakness. They wish to allow the enemy to lay siege to our mountain, but dig up from under them and kill them all during the night. How does it sound, sir?"

"Very good Pinkertingons, I knew I could count on you to be a reliable officer. Now, seal up all exits. Nobody gets in or out. I don't want anybody trying to play hero."

"Yes, sir."

A mere three hours later, all the hares were exhausted after having to seal up every opening on the mountain. Pinkertingons collapsed on the ground in front of the front gate, panting breathlessly.

"I think we're in for the long run, sir," he spoke with an energy born of pure, though weak, desperation.

"Very good," Ashwood replied. He turned to leave.

"Sir, wait a minute..." Pinkertingons requested.

"What is it, Colonel Pinkertingons?"

"When... when are we going to go and get all the bodies out there, sir?" the Colonel stifened a sniffle. Ashwood saw this, but he also saw it fit to be completely honest with his troops, especially his Colonel.

"Well, Colonel, there aren't enough pieces left to bury. Many of them were blown into bits small enough for seagulls to eat, and well, it's been rough eating on the beaches this season." Colonel Pinkertingons gaped with horror.

"It is sad, Colonel, but it is true." Ashwood surveyed the Colonel's response..

"Very well, your lordship. We will do what must be done..."

"Very good, I like your attitude. You make a great leader."

Colonel Pinkertingons smiled bitterly, and ran off. At that moment, a scout came to Ashwood.

"Sir, one of the windows is being forced open."

"Very well, station five hundred hares right by the window, and have them lying low and waiting for whatever beast decides to come through."

"Yes sir."

There was indeed somebeast, or somebody messing with the window. Salamandastron's finest five hundred hares gathered around it, as it was a window in the great hall. They had spears, lances, bows, swords, slings, pikes, axes, and all other forms of nasty weaponry. When the window opened and nobeast appeared, a small gasp of surprise issued from everyone. They were trained well, though, and they knew to wait.

All of a sudden, a small, cylindrical can made of metal came rolling in through the window. A Private by the name of Pishelton slowly reached out and touched it. As soon as she did, it emitted a high pitched screeching noise, and its ends fell off. When they did, yellow gas came spewing out of both ends. Pishelton grabbed onto her face as the gas did its work, and screamed in horror as pieces of her face began to fall off. The gas spread quickly through the hall, and with only one window to escape from, it became very thick. It was a nightmare. Five hundred hares screamed with terror as their skin was melted off. Eyeballs, red and bloody rolled across the floor and caused the hares to stumble all over each other. The gas caused the hares lungs to collapse, as well, and dozens of popping noises were audible as this happened. It was pandemonium. The gas slowly exited out through the window from whence it had came, but not before leaving five hundred hares in runny pieces on the ground.

Pinkertingons finally forced the door to the Great Hall open, and stepped inside. He squinted for a moment, as the light was dim, and raised his paw to his eyes. He slipped in something gooey, and then looked down at the bottom of his footpad. The twisted remains of the face of a Private named Dinglestein stared up at him. Pinkertingons screamed, and ran as quickly out of the Hall as he could. He ran up to the chambers of Lord Ashwood, and panted out,

"Sir.. All five hundred of those hares are dead! They've been melted by some kind of poison!" Lord Ashwood's eyes grew wide with terror, and then immediately red with bloodwrath.

"Call every single hare from the mountain to come to the front gate fully armed and ready to fight! Every single one! We will charge them! We have no other choice!"

Pinkertingons obliged, and within twenty minutes, every able-bodied fighting hare from the great mountain of Salamandastron stood ready to fight. Lord Ashwood tore the supports away from the Front Gate, and threw it open. Nobeast was more surprised than him, then, when he found himself face to face with every fighting solider aboard the five ships. They were head to head now, there was no way out.

"CHARGE! EVERYBEAST! CHARGE!" Ashwood bellowed. He charged out of the door, clearing huge pathways in the ranks of the strange soldiers. The hares charged, delving deep into the columns of soldiers. The intruders were carrying miniature thundersticks, but these thundersticks were no good at close range. The men were diced to pieces by the screaming hares of the Long Patrol. Nobody nor nobeast was a match for the fury of Ashwood, as he alone killed 500 men. The men were terrified by the man-sized animals, and were disheartened by seeing their friends disemboweled. They retreated.

Of the 1500 soldiers of man that took to the beach, 86 returned to the boat. Ashwood chased them all the way back to their amphibious landing craft, and shrieked in victory when the ships, piloted by no more than 15 people each began to sail away. Ashwood and his hares drank deeply from the cup of victory that night. There were scones, deeper 'n' ever turnip and beetroot pie, hotroot soup, blueberry muffins, meadowcream cake, leeks, strawberry fizz drinks, cold October ale, and, the best, an enormous ten layer cake topped with chopped blueberries and blackberries.

"Victory cake for everybeast!" Ashwood cried. And all the hares of Salamandastron forgot their grievances for one night, and began to thoroughly enjoy the fruitful bounties that Mother Nature had given to them. Some hares cried, some hares sang, but in the heart of everybeast was the knowledge that they had won, that they had defended all of Mossflower, Salamandastron, Redwall, and all of the poor, innocent, sniffling, wayfaring, woodland creatures that lay therein.

What the beasts where unaware of, however, was the 4000 megaton tactical nuclear missile that had been launched at the island of Mossflower. Ashwood stood on his private balcony rock on the face of Salamandastron to survey the stars, when he noticed a bright streak heading for his island.

"Pinkertingons! Come quick! A sign from the Almighty that we have won! Look! We have been sent a message from Dark Forest! A beautiful shooting star! All of the hares of Salamandastron should see this! Everybeast, to the beach!"

The mountain fortress emptied itself of its entire host of hares, for the last time. The Long Patrol, and their great leader, Ashwood, Badger Lord of all of Mossflower, stood on the beach and looked up at the beautiful streak of fire heading for them. It wasn't until the trajectory of the "star" became clear that panic struck the hearts of those standing there.

"It's heading straight for us!"

"Everybeast for himself!"

The hares began to panic, and attempted to run back into the mountain, but it was too late. The missile struck the sand of the beach with the force of a 6 million pound asteroid. Every hare standing on the beach was instantly vaporized, and collapsed where they stood into tiny, neat piles of black ash, that were quickly blown away by the shock wave.

All the peaceful creatures of Redwall Abbey were attempting to enjoy a Midsummer's Eve Feast, when the guard saw something strange. The trees on the horizon were being blown thousands of feet in the air, and there was a flash of light as bright as the sun. The guard's last thought was,

"Sun at night? Well my, that's the strangest thing I ever did saw!" Then, he was crushed to the thickness of a microchip as the shock wave struck him, spraying his innards in a radius of 80 feet. The abbess was blessing the food, when the walls were blown apart, and all the loving creatures of Redwall were both flash burned by the blast, and crushed by the Redstone rocks they loved so much, at the same time.

Marius Bankvole was attempting to eat an enormous meal of pasties and October Ale with his family on their raft on the River when it happened. They saw an explosion of light, and the water was flash boiled by the heat, and it melted the skin off of the whole bankvole family. They screamed in terror, with empty bellies, as they did not have enough time for their pasties.

Colonel Billings of the United States Navy surveyed the damage he had inflicted with grim resolve. He knew, in his heart, that by nuking this island of enormous, talking, technologically advanced creatures, that he had done the right thing.


End file.
